A Rock on Fire

I wrote the previous entry about a week or so ago. And now here is a temporary experience I would like to share that relates, now that I think about it.

It was saturday night and we had just done the final performance of the Vagina Monologues (see it, do it LIVE it).
Anyhow, feeling all empowered, dressed in our 'I heart Vagina' tshirts, us cast members (and a few more) ventured to the local favourite drinking establishment, 'Phil's'.  Having a good time was our motto for the night and well, we did.

We danced and we drank and we danced soem more. Anyway, I went only expecting to have a good time out with the girls, nothing more. I made a few new friends with that crew, warms ma heart, and we were dancing our hearts out. I noticed this man shape sort of dancing near us, but not trying to dance with anyone (huzzah! a respectful manfigure!). Anyway, long story short, I ended up dancing with him for a long period of the night. We basically spent the entire period of time laughing our asses off.

However...
Aside from introducing ourselves with our first names, nothing was said. We were there, we were in the moment, we caught the moment on our lips a few times and aside from sharing our names and oh I suppose a few 'i'll be backs' when we went to you know, quench our thirst, and a number spoken by me upon inquiry, nothing was said.

Now some may say that is shallow.
But I say it's exactly what I needed. No expectations, no pressure. Just momentary exhaultation of dancing keeping the beat with another. And aside from the odd fluttering thought of this mysterious entity that is left lingering, nothing more is thought.
I know what you're thinking 'that's not very meaningful'. But it is. It proves my point exactly from my last entry. Life is touch and go, if you will, and making moments last longer than is necessary is wreckless.

Besides, it made me think about war. And I desperately want to do something to make it stop. I was thinking about it, and it's real. I thought of it as differently than I would refer to say Vietnam. But it's no different.

WHERE IS THE UPRISING? We really need to do something. Do you think people today have too many distractions and are able to easier avoid the inyourfaceness that was new in Vietnam?I'm referring, obviously, to the internet and such. Perhaps that is simple thinking but perhaps it's not.

The Harper Regime has announced sending air conditioned tanks to Afghanistan. WHAT?

We need to start mobilising the people. Laurier is starting an anti-war campaign, btu I missed the meeting last week and was afraid to go this week.

Seriously.

I was just going through some old stuff and stumbled across some writing from when I was I think around 14-15-16. So I read it.

There was a lot (with now years of hindsight)of  stupid shit. A lot of shit in my head around that time. And a lot of shit writing.
I also noticed the pressure around relationships was apparent in some of it. Not the worst of the worst mind you, but it was clear that the whole relationship concept caused me some turmoil around that time.
(as an aside, rage against the machine just came on. Can I possibly describe to you how happy they make me?)

Anyway, my big sister was a dating addict. I do not remember a period of logner than 3 months from when she was in 6th grade (I was in the third) and now (she's 23) that she was not in some kidn of relationship. Perhaps that added to the turmoil; I saw that she found worth there and I attributed my self worth to that as well. I remember my first 'relationship' haha when I was in grade 5. Totally stupid. But I remember looking to my older sister and deciding 'I am supposed to be interested in having a boyfriend'.

I remember it was my doing, not his. I think I pretty much made him go out with me. Looking back I can't help but laugh, but then I get thinking and reading the shit from my mid teens and deciding that that is really, to be blunt, fucked up.

I've been wanting to write abotu this for a while. And now that I have links to the past from which I can start explaining I feel I can. And then I can step forward and write of more important matters. This bee needs to die.

I have been then, for what can probably reasonably be described as my forever, surrounded by the concept and ideal of 'boy-girl must proper monogamous relationships'. However, this ideal has never made me happy.

When I am not in a relationship of the kind I describe and I am variantly 'alone' if you will, I bring a horrible amount of self denial, self turmoil to myself. After that time in grade 5, I had a boyfriend for about a week when I was 13. Then I had a boyfriend for almost two years when I was sixteen. In between, from my writings, the concept of being in a relationship caused me a great deal of turmoil. But thinking back was I ever really wanting a relationship, like honestly and for true, or did I want one for the sake of being accepted in society's norms? I can never be sure, but the concept definitely drove me crazy. it was like my normality had to be validated by a boy.

After, when I was 18, and my first serious boyfriend and I broke up (it was my doing; I wanted to explore and I saw him as some sort of barrier to self growth) immediately after (looking back, I realize I had never even given myself time to heal), without even thinking but being excited by the prospect of another boy, I entered into a relationship that lasted just over a year and ended, his doing, about three months ago.

In both, it was nice to have someone there. But even within them, there were levels of inner turmoil that I don't care to go back through. Perhaps it has nothing to do with them and it is entirely something internal. There were moments in bot hof great connect, but also great disconnect. In both, there was distraction.

I was distracted, the entire time. Sure I thought of other stuff, important stuff. I did other things. But I always remained distracted. And now I am on my own. And I've been thinking. A lot. I keep tripping backwards, moments of great, disturbing, confusing sadness. Especially when you realize that another being can erase you from them. I keep finding moments of great discontentedness and lonlieness. Saturday and Sunday mornings are the worst.

And even though this is the longest period of time I've been 'single' in the last three years, I find myself falling back into the trap of 'oh i should really be looking for a boyfriend'. Frankly, I'm not interested in a relationship and I find this feeling to be something I deny. yes, I am a little unsure of what to do with all of my free time now, but I'm slowly unravelling my spirit and recreating myself so that I am not living like a newborn calf.

I've come to the realization that it's nice to have people there. However, the more I try to move I realize I am not here and that is my problem. I have been relying on otehrs too much to fulfill my human needs and that's not good because I don't want to disappear when someone erases me from them. I often believe that there is not much point in anything. Honestly,there's not. But then in those moments I find myself feeling that I am just waiting for death. I mean what more is there, that's the onyl thing that's sure. That sounds really cliche, but let me explain. it isn't that I want to die, but I just want to be sure of something; confident in one truth. But then I realize that it's more pointless to wait for the inevitable and it's really boring spending your life in limbo, waiting.

I'm afraid a lot. Social situations. Self reliance scares the shit out of me to be honest. Which is why it is somethign i want to master. Our society does not foster this; we don't grow our own food, make our own clothing, brew our own, distinct, seperate thoughts. I was thinking today about this. Well, lately. How society makes us validate our thoughts against the thoughts of others. (My knee smells funny :S). On the one hand, this does not foster a free thinking rearranging society (okay, I just realized I really like rob zombie :S hahahahah that makes me giggle profusely). On the other hand, it makes it possible to connect with people because even if you do have your own independent thoughts, if you have nothing through which to draw a comparison, relating will be that much more difficult. And it's kind of nice building on the knowledge of others. Though I want my own naked thoughts, it's too late for that. (maybe it's my pants that smell funny...)

I met this fellow the other day. I'm not interested in looking for a relationship, neither is he. before I met him I was thinking heavily of concepts of community and different ways of doing relationships and humans in general. But I had nothing through which to compaer my thoughts or express them in words. Anyway, he introduced me to a book called 'The Ethical Slut'. I was kind of bored haha (seriously, why do people insist on being on their computers ALL THE TIME. I meanm, today I'm not better. But I was working on an essay, I'm ALONE and I'm writing. After this I plan on finding my paper and colouring my heart out) so I started reading it. And while I didn't read the whole thing, parts that I did read somewhat, to an extent, coincided with what I had been thinking about. (oooI just took a break ro recollect and was looking at the fiveonenine website...someone was talking about can-con. and that makes me smile because if it wasn't for comm, i'd have no idea haha)..

Society is seperating. It's been gone over several times by others and if you want an explaination to what I'm saying ask. For me, I am a paradox; I am both EXTREMELY introverted and EXTREMELY extroverted. While I love being alone, I love community. I absolutely do.

I believe that the universe is fluid. ever changing. Black holes, stars, the planets, this earth. The whole water cycle on earth. I wish to learn more about space to see if there is a similar substance like water flowing that the universe contains in it's entirety, not on individual planets. I also believe in the fluidity of people, emotions, thoughts, creations. There are no constants and there is something to be said about motion. I also believe that there is no difference in my love for people. I do not believe I can consiously choose to love one person differently than another; I love as much as I can. Maybe I don't know enough about the act of loving to selectively change how I love. Perhaps it happens naturally to change it. Maybe there are difference. but I don't feel them. I find it difficult to not like people. even those who do things I despise; perhaps it's my perspectives of life as a fiction, we're all characters playing necessary parts. What concept of god is mine? Let's not get off topic..

There is probably only one person whom I wish to not spend time with currently. Well, that is a lie. I do get annoyed by people. I don't want to always be with people. But what I mean to say is that there is only one person I feel anger towards right now. Sure, some people I feel passively towards, but none of this really matters. And I'm not all that angry. Just frustrated. I desire more than anything to spend time with this person whom I feel anger towards, but the time I wish to spend is time that's passed already.

Anyway, nothing is constant. Perhaps that's why I am constantly on the move, afraid to commit to the moment. Afraid to commit to anyone. But am I afraid or is it a decision I am willing to stand up for? this I must still work out.

But I've decided that, for me at least, the traditional state of relationships is not for me. I don't think it's possible for me to seperate love. I could love people more deeply as a whole and that is something I am working for. And obviously I feel closer to some than others; but I still feel love for those to whom I am distant. Why do I feel tears suddenly? this is not to say I believe myself god, in fact that is far from what I am saying. ( Idance to music that is playing and I feel relieved, a little more alive, closer to something that I like feeling). but it is to say that I don't believe in the traditional sense of relationships. I don't believe in the static, forever type of love society tells me as a women I am supposed to dream about; a prince charming to sweep me off my feet.

The universe is fluid and so am I. I do not believe that it is healthy for me to be pining for a monogomous relationship. I don't believe it is healthy for me to be IN that sort of relationship. Perhaps it is because I am learning how to meet my own needs, but I was thinking. I don't believe in polygomy in the concept of marriage. However, I believe in momentary meaning. I believe that experience is momentary, touch and go; nothing is static nor should it be.

People who are reading this, if anyone is or has made it this far, may find it strange i say these things. but I think in group settings, though there are more needs and there are more complexities, it is easier to meet the needs of all. and i'm not saying these things in the context of using people to satisify your own needs. But what I mean is I think collectives are important to growth and needsmeeting of individuals.

I think, for one thing, that to be in a monogomous relationship is to entirely objectify yourself; you've becoem a possession. The act of commitment is to say 'here, take me, I am yours'. You're never one person, but always associated with another. Committing your body to a single person while is nice in the concept of promise, coincides with this idea of possession; your body is hoarded by another.

I'm not saying I want to go around sleeping with everyone. No, that is not even close to what I am saying. But you know how you have certain friends with whom you perform certain roles, for example a friend that comes to you with boy issues, or the friend that comes to you to share art with, and those friends with whom you find you only share certain activities, for example the friends you go drinking with or the friends you share a politics class with. And in each activity you share love for one another, you share commonalities and meaning but it's never constant and these friendships evolve and chagne as well, but there is always that one binding thread through which there is mutual reliance and certain needs compiled. mind you there are also those friends with whom you can share virually everything. but there is never any constant obligation. I mean, you never abandon them but you always go with the flow and nothign is forced. Things are worked on to create stronger bonds. If issues arise they are fixed. but throughout it as it always changing and such, it's always a friendship you desire because you want to, not because you promised them you would.

When you start promising things, tensions rise and things have a tendency to becoem static. And people get hurt a lot easier. Perhaps it's my experiences. For example, my best friend in grade nine burned my face out of pictures of us and started pretty much hating me because I started spending a lot of time with another friend and to her there was this unwritten rule that I was not aware of that I was hers and not allowed to share experiences with others. I think there's a lot to be said for openness and honesty in all situations to avoid this, but at the same time I had promised her bestfriendship. I had no intentional desire to break this, but I was fluid, lookign back, goign with the flow; I had no classes with her and thigns were starting to seem forced. I mean I will go out of my way to hang out with people. I'm not advocating leaving people behind. but I think in group settings i think things go better especially with honesty.

Here's an example of what I mean. When I was going out with Justin, I honestly believe he was emotionally cheating on me for the last few months. Yes I have proof, but let's not get into that. Thinking back though, I realize that I believe this purely for the fact of what I beleived a relationship should be. Fulfilling all of each others needs, solely with one another. But apparently I was unable to fulfill that need of his. (ew.. I can't tell if it's my sweater smelling now that my feet are down, or if it's me. hahahaha). But where did this expectation come from? We had never discussed what it meant to be in a relationship; it was entirely built on assumptions. (okay, another aside: pandora is the greatest thing of life. check out my link. Seriously, I built the greatest station ever). I think that was our biggest issue. Throughout the relationship, I always wanted to talk to hmi ALL THE TIME because in previous experiences that's what I had come to associate with relationships. However, he felt it was something different and that this wasn't an aspect. This led to many misunderstandings and the eventual demise of us as one.

I think it is possible to associate sex/desire and emotional/desire with entirely different people and have them both be entirely meaningful experiences. I do not think this is shallow. So long as everyone is aware of the expectations of the other person, I think it can be entirely healthy. mind you I've never done community in this way and I recognize this could lead to potentialissues such as not all needs being met for all. However, I think that society's way of doign relationships is isolating and isn't working for me. So I want to try something new.

While I recognize that the way I stated that indicates a forced community, a forced existance, I do not feel it is forced at all because I am exploring ways of human connection. I feel the current mode of relationships and human connections that I am supposed to be a part of doesn't make me feel entirely correct.

But I am fluid, ever changing. Perhaps my conceptions will change, expand, circle. But for the moment, this is what I'm thinking about.

I'm back.
Mostly because I'm running in circles. Maybe this time around there will be more to offer. There's no definite.

I admitted to my one and only, my one true love tonight. IN denial for so long, I've finally accepted that a lone, individual love exists.
I'm not in love with myself or my own personal thoughts and ideas. No; my true love exists when my pen hits the page, when my eyes graze upon the letter forming words forming sentences of shadows or when my ear catches the sound of a stream of fluid motion moving lips.

My one true love is the act of words; communication, words silent or spoken.

Fuck the way I used t ofeel, fuck the things I used to say. Words come in my mind to play. I'm changing; I must allow myself to be changed.

Hello world, I want to whisper. Hello world, you shimmer. Thank you for taking me back.

I like december. Waking up. And moving on.

Hi, how are you. How high are you?
I've decided to breathe, and allow my mind to feel refreshed and exit the years that have passed.
I breathe a sigh of relief, and I found something in my pocket to say.

Today is a a stretch of a blink of an eye. And I've decided to run away with it in the night.

Mwah.

With just four minutes to spare... I managed to complete my first ever NANOWRIMO Mind you, ti needs serious editting...i was sleeping when i wrote ssome today and it turend otu to be kind of essayissh at teh end because i haven't slept in 42 hours ahahhaha....YAY...this is thrilling...

Sometimes, if the topic is really interesting and I don't have any imediate essays of my own to do, I wil lwrite my friends essays for them. The problem I find wit hessays is the length; teh require ti to be too short and thereby I mfeel I miss half of teh information.

However, I did get to stay up all night to finish. I get a secret high when it is I up alone all night, writing, pondering...procrastinating for somereason. I get t osee the cycle of the world and mmm...It feels good. A nice 2am stroll, a 4am wakeup shower..A 6:30 completion. I like the world this time of day. i do. I like lsitening to cars fade away, and then the city come back to life again like it's on it's own path to somewhere.

It's the last day of Nanowrimo and  I have two classes and 15thousand more words to write.  I can do it. I don't mind if I finish tomorow; it would be close enough for me. I didn't write for a week, so one extra day isn't going ot be bad.

Anyway, for your pain and my enjoyment, I thought I would post my essay I just wrote. I don't know. I like essays. I mean, when I put in the effort i'm known for doign okay on them. I find them fulfilling because I really like learning and doing research to apply, sort of or vaguely, what I have learned in the classroom. I like giving my brain a break when my friends take courses hat I care about deeply but don't take. The class this essay was for is Culture: normally, I don't take it because it is laced wit hstereotypes in teh context of deconstructing stereotypes. But I thought the topic of choice for this en was particularly entertaining.

Enjoy! It may lack complete coherency....but....you know...

Okay so I am not done procrastinating.
http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2006/11/24/wheat-gene.html The domestication of wheat is an example of GM a plant. So, now they are taking something wild and putting it back into where it was taken from. Uhhhh duhhh????? And they are testing types of wheat from countries all over the world.

Do you know what this could mean? This could mean that we are going to have another corporation killing a small community by taking a gene in wheat that has been grown locally for thousands of years and patenting it thereby taking away the right of the small community to continue using it. They argue that by adding certain gense back into wheat they can give the wheat more protein. And then you KNOW the argument is going ot be made that they can combat world hunger with this.

But no one takes into account the detaisl when they make world altering decisions. Why does this seem like a repeat story??!!? I know that all of this is speculation, but it has happened before. People, we need to think of the details!

It's a very complicated paradigm. On the one hand, over simplification leads to things like this. On the other hand, thigns are often over complicated ex getting food to the hungry serves quite difficult because of all the technicalities. Where is the median?

Here is where I steal a tactic of a world leader (aka telling large groups of people what people need without talking to the people. Merely speculation): People need to look after the people, to meet the needs of all people. And I don't mean needs like 'oh his bmw broke down adn he needs a new one". I mean needs like, gee this person is starving and there are no laws to protect this person in the state that they are in, so maybe we should do something about it? We need a non-partisan...TRULY NON-PARTISAN approach to dealing with these issues. Issues of soveriengty are important insomuch as to prevent being overtaken by another partisan state. No, people shouldn't all have the same dogma or political views; I don't necessarily think democracy is the only way; I think that people need to look out for each other as otehr human beings. Yes, sometimes that is prevented by ideologies. Therefore, we must embrace ideologies of people, but not be forceful of our own. We must look out for one another. The nyou run into technicalities of howto meet peoples needs and then those fallinto perspectives and ideologies and conflict arises. However, look at the solutions and see if they are solutions. If capitalism isn't working for certain people, change the system to suit their needs.

Of course the technicalities arise with how to do this etc. Honestly. I know I am no better by suggesting my own technicalities. but I just want to scream at the world and tell them that PEOPLE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER as PEOPLE. Yes, I am aware that ideologies etc. give people meaning in their life and that that should not be devalued. At the  same time, values differ across the board and people need to embracethat in order to meet the fundamental needs of all.

When I am supposed to be writing essays, I tend to procrastinate by catching up on the news. I usually start with CBC, and then depending on the topics let my searching flow. While I won't go into whether or not I feel I could enter into the journalist world, the lives of journalists fascinate me. As do the stories and how the stories are reported. Anyway, that was an aside. What I wanted to post was this: http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2006/11/24/genetic-wto.html ....As some of my classes have been talking about GMOS and trade, I thought it was particularly fitting to think about. When I think, I think in themes and I, being a mad post-modernist, often find lucid interconnections rampant throughout everything. Anyway, this article is about the the WTO ruling that the EU was breaking trade laws when it refused to import GMOS, and now the market for them in the EU is openning up again.

It mentions that there were fears in the EU that GMOs could have detrimental effects on people and the environment. While it is not scientifically proven that they do, it is also not scientifically proven that they do not.

Personally, I don't think that that is grounds to lift the ban. The US, Canada and Argentina all lost potential profits in the EU when the ycould no logner export certain GMO products into the EU (the article states canada fell from 425 mill. dollars to 1.5). Now the demand for these, specifically oilseeds used in making biodeisel is growing and so it makes sense to allow the imports again. After all, a cleaner burning fuel is much better for the environment.

However, rather than accepting GMOS back in, why couldn't Canada and the US and argentina stop making GMOs and export known envirnomentally friendly grown oilseeds? if the effects of GMOs are not known (although increasing knowledge is pointing towards them having a negative effect), then the means to make a cleaner feul is not making anything cleaner. You cannot fix the harm of one thing by making something else harmful! Biodeisel is a newer substitute to petrolium; it's uses are just being exploited. We should not start off something good on the wrong foot by using something we know little about to make it. Even though the initial effects of GMOs may be better than burning fossil fuels, no one knows the long term effects. therefore, it is much better to change NOW to export non-GMOs, rather than knowing it is a problem later down the line and having to fixit then. Rather than lifting the ban, more pressure should have been place to stop the use of GMOs. I am not saying to stop researching and looking at the potential ways GMOs could be used to say make a cleaner burnign crop, but don't automatically use GMOs when there is so much debate surrounding whether or not they are harmful or not.

ah. I feel re-motivated. Excellent. Perhaps it is bad of me to fill some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy by discussing amongst myself and otehrs who stumble to this page because I want to discuss things, but if something needs discussing I don't see why it is wrong of me to discuss.

I meant to say this earlier. I am shocked and amazed that for once politicians are doing a little bit of what i want them to. Two world leaders who really need to have a conversation are having a conversation this coming week, I think on wednesday.
I don't know hwo I feel about this if I am at all justified at having a feeling. i just want ot know. And it is my business, it's everyones business.

The washing machine is coming up the stairs. The washing machine is coming up. The washing machine is falling down. Tumbling down. TO GET YOU.

i just have to make my reference list which i cannot until i go home. woot!

...almost done. on my last point. Had one last menatl freak out. Now I am ignoring myself. and taking a 5 minute break to walk around and refocus to revamp for the final stretch. woot! its ten...i'll be home by 10:30...i promise...

By the end of the day, I hope to be half way there at least.
Anyway, the next update will come in two posts. I will finish off chapter 9 and introduce to you chapter ten. IN the next post after this, I will continue with chapter ten. This is just so that if you are reading it, it is easier to read and not lose your spot.

Okay, so I have some nano catching up to do.
I have 600 more words and then I'll be caught up for saturday. Sunday and today will come tonight, easy, I hope. And I hope to get ahead again ebcause I'm goign to be goen to a WONDERFUL PLACE this weekend.
Without further ado, as if ther eis more i will be late for class, here is more nano
ps: i thought I had posted somebefore i left btu it must not have worked...:S

mooahaha